Clinging

Since Sunday, I have been able to do little without missing Christopher. I was so anxious all day to see him even if it was only a few hours. He drove up with his parents since their car was in the shop just to turn around and drive home in the morning.  I waited and waited all day. After 10, I was about really to text him mom to figure out where they were. He knocked on the door, looking sexy in his dress greens, gave me a kiss, and we stood their hugging. I couldn't let go of him. We went on a short-lived walk since it was so cold. However, he was able to share some of his concerns with me. He would prefer to be super stressed out himself than to worry me with problems. It's his way of caring, but hearing some of whats been bothering him was hard. He is so torn about my last semester. He wants to be with me so bad but doesn't want to loose his job. He doesn't want to just see me on the weekends, but I told him not to worry about it anymore. He will be down there while I'm up here. It was so hard to say that when I don't want that at all. He is also still trying to decide what he wants to do with the Army. Last I heard, he just wanted to get out. The Provo unit is trying to get him there, put through training, and to go active. He talked of a tour leaving in March to Kuwait. It lasts six to nine months. He said of course he wasn't going to go because of the wedding, but I could tell he would love to go. All my fears about not being with him are being realized. I won't be with my husband the last third of next year. What if he decides to go active and is deployed. I know my opinion matters to him and we will make this decision together, but I'll never really know what it means to him. I just want him to be happy. But right now I just want to be with him. Our whole relationship has been long distance. We hooked up over the phone. We broke up over the phone. We got back together over the phone. We decided we would be married over the phone. We decided we want a baby right away over the phone. I need him. I need my baby. And that's why I can't concentrate on school or work anymore. He is my world and I can't be with him yet.

After our talk, we went back to his place since he was getting tired. After the family went to bed, we were just sitting on the couch. Christopher was leaning on me, but he turned and asked if we could cuddle. Since he doesn't ask much, I could tell he had missed me as much as I him. We laid there on the couch clinging to each other. There is no other word to describe it. I was holding tight to his arms around me, holding back the tears. It wasn't supposed to be a sad moment, but the weight of everything crashed down a little bit. So many life decisions to figure out and we only get each other for a couple hours a week. Chris didn't want me to leave so I stayed until he fell asleep. I woke up early to get him up and went with him to fill up the truck. Straight out of bed and he thinks I'm beautiful.