Wanna-be

The countdown is on: ten days until school starts again. But for now I am bored a lot. A lot of my time gets wasted on Facebook, reading blogs, and glancing through Pinterest. Tonight I told myself why. It's because I am a wanna-be. I think all my insecurities have been around ever since middle school and Jr. High. I didn't have any friends. I was a wanna-be. All I wanted was to fit in with someone, anyone. Even after making friends, it never got easier. They never seemed to stick around. On the first day of senior year I didn't know who I would sit by at lunch. I'm so glad that now I have a best friend who I get to marry next year. I'm grateful for the close friends I do have. I'm happy with where I am in relationships right now but this wanna-be feeling I've had for so long is still hanging around.

I get so caught up in other people's live and I see all the amazing things that everyone does. The relationships they have, the things they sew, all the good things. But my favorite bloggers are those that are real. Those that show the break downs. Those that aren't trying to show off a perfect life. Why am I even typing this? Why do I keep trying to blog? Because I wanna be as cool as other bloggers. Because I wanna have followers and make bloggy friends. Up until now, I've felt like I had to have done something amazing to blog about, to prove myself. 

The conclusion I came to tonight was to give it up. Now to be realistic, I can't give it all up. I love technology, but right now it only has it's place. With Facebook I look at other people's posts, but I hardly make my own. So, give it up. Pinterest does give good ideas, but pinning ideas that will never be used is pointless. I read blogs and blogs everyday whereas I could be doing things I love to be doing and blog about it myself. And why? Not because I'm looking for approval from people I don't even know, but because I want to. I want to record how I feel and my accomplishments. Which lately, there have been A LOT. I am getting married in seven and a half months to the one person who is fantastic under any circumstance. I've pushed myself with sewing this summer and am really proud of what I've done. I work my butt off in school to get through in three years. Even though I'm completely broke, I've paid for every cent of school myself. I try to be a good friend to those around me and have spent a lot more time with Jeanette. 

Here's to a new season. Fall and all it's beauty, smells, and coziness. But more importantly, to this season of life I'm in where I don't have all the answers but I'm happy with where I'm at.