Hopeless

This is so frustrating. Days like today I feel like a failure. I have applied for so many jobs this summer. I've lost track, but well over 40. since I have been out of work all summer, I am now looking into working while in school. This was not something that I wanted to do. Pulling 20 credits and working is going to be so hard. But now that I finally got over that fact, I wonder if that will even be a reality. I don't think that I will be able to find a job during school. I've already applied for a bunch, and have had interviews. Maybe I don't have a lot of work experience, but how can I ever get a job when they all require that. Somewhere I need a break. I'm so stressed out about finances. I want to have play money, but now I'm even wondering if I should cut out the summer Lagoon trip that's been waiting to happen. I need to have money to be able to plan this wedding because I know my parents don't have enough for the basics, let alone a wedding. I don't want to make Chris be the sole provider. I want to contribute. I don't want to be a burden. I know that he would never ever say that, that he would be happy to provide for me. I just don't feel like I can do anything right now. I guess I just need to get over the bad hours and tasks my dad has for me and do more for him. It's hard too though because having my dad for a boss is hard. I can't talk to him because now all we talk about at work and at home is work. And to top it off, my family can't afford to pay me anyways. Ahh... I just wish one job would work out for me.

Oh Anjie

Still trying to decide if that's how I would spell Anjie or not.

Anyways.

I don't talk that often with my siblings, yet there is never distance between any of us. When we are together, we are the very best of friends. I know that when Blake and Anj, or just one of them, are visiting, they are there for McKay and I. I need to be better at being the one to outreach, but things are great the way they are.

Tonight I was texting Anjanette about me and Christopher's upcoming plans. More specifically, that we went ring shopping and are planning on April. I still have concerns about that month, but somehow we will make it work. Anj told me that no matter what was going on for them, they would be here for the wedding. That one comment alone means so much. Between teaching, work, and the cost of plane tickets, my siblings will always be right beside me. I also mentioned that we probably won;t be waiting all that long before having kids. Possibly two years from right now I will be a momma. :) Anjanette said that they too are planning on coming home from the hospital in about two years. How great that will be for our kids to have cousins their own age and also to be able to have a pregnancy buddy. ;)

I miss her like crazy. It's funny how not having a sister for so many years, gaining one, then finally becoming close to one has effected me. Anj and I always got a long but it took some time to get close. Now as I look forward to my future sisters-in-law, I hope that I will have just as great of a relationship with each of them. I'm not too worried about it though because family time with them is always fun. I went from being the only girl and now to have three sisters-in-law, man I have great additions to the family.

Letter to Jeanette

Hey girl. I miss you SOOO much! Last week visiting you was amazing. I was in IF town with Brin and we stopped in to see you. Your daddy was there and it was good to hear about your improvements. You can still be a little bit stubborn sometimes, but I know you were trying. I read you the letter that Elder Trent sent you, with tears streaming down my face. Do you know the impact you have made on others? Aaron and I both realize how you brought us closer together as friends during that semester.

Today was also so great. You were moved last week to the Rexburg Nursing Home. At about 2 Christopher, my mom, and I went to go see you. too bad you were in the shower, I was hoping you could meet Chris.

Mom and I went back later. With her there though, I couldn't tell you all of my secrets, only in whispers. You were much more relaxed though and very attentive. Mom talked to you a lot. It kind of bothered me a little bit though because she was using a loud voice and simple words. I know that you are still in there, though you may be trapped in that body. You know what we are saying. And you still love us and we love you. Maybe it did work though because she asked if you were glad we came to see you and to give a thumbs up. You did it! You did it then and again before we left! This is constant proof to me that you are trying, that you are wanting to communicate, that you are very much aware of what and who is around you.

In the most recent Facebook posting from your mom, I saw patience. The doctor said that one year fro the accident, they will more fully evaluate where you will be and what kind of progression we can expect. One year if a long time. It's crazy to think that the accident on Jan 10 was 6 1/2 months ago. That seems like so long ago. Yet the memory of your crazy self is very much alive. The last time I heard from you was 2 days before that when we were planning on having a lunch date to catch up on each others lives. I'm still waiting
(and I will be patient) fro that lunch date. for now it consists of me talking to you. You're still my go-to gal and I love you and your babies with all my heart.

Weekend

Wow. What a wonderful weekend! Spending time with Christopher is without a doubt my favorite thing to do.

Highlights:

First getting there. And him seeing my new haircut.
Breaking a chair at the movie theater. I was laughing so hard while Chris just wondered how I did it.
Going ring shopping. It didn't take very long; the first one I tried on was a winner.
Rodeo. And the fact that I got to check Chris out in his cowboy attire. And listening to country music. And him squeezing my hand during intense seconds. And hearing those three words in my ear.
Going to church, riding around town with Gordon in the cop car (backseat yikes!), and Sunday naps.
Game night. Not only is Chris amazing at acting things out, his siblings are as well. Brandi was Barbie and we were all laughing our heads off.
Lots of kisses good night. Then being asked for one more, one more, one more...
More teasing about when I will get the ring. "Not today" he says, after making me wait in the car as he went into the jewelers. What he doesn't know, is that I may have seen him go back again right before heading home to Utah.

Another great part is that goodbye is only for six days. Then it is time to go camping with the family!

Highlights from the week

The main thing that happened to me this week was getting my wisdom teeth out. Not a fun experience at the office or at home. However some of what ensued was very cute. The first couple for days it hurt too much to move my mouth and talk, so Christopher and I Skyped to see each other while I could type responses. I know he probably wouldn't like me sharing this, but it was so sweet. He could tell that I was still in pain. He told me he "needed to go blow his nose." In actuality, he was close to tears because he couldn't be there with me while I was hurting. I know I'm tainting the tough guy persona he likes to display, but honestly, he's such a softie at heart. At least when it comes to me. :)

Another little story I think is cute. Yesterday Christopher called me at 8:30 am hoping I would be awake so I could talk to him before he went to sleep. That's right. After working 6pm-6am, he waited up to hear my voice. Well he called.. and I slept through it. I felt bad too because I texted him later in the day which woke him up. So to try to make up for ruining his sleep, this morning I called him. I didn't need to wake up until nearly 10, yet my alarm was set for 6am. I think he was a little surprised, but I know he enjoyed us talking and setting a good mood for the day.